The Theatrical Trauma of June 1st.

The first Friday in June gives horror fans what might be the best thing in the world; options.

The big release for we horror fans is Piranha 3DD. Piranha was a ton of shameless fun when it hit theaters back in 2010, and its sequel looks to be more of the same... it even promises more blood and more boobs. We are very, very there.

The biggest release of the week for all fans (not just horror geeks) is Snow White and The Huntsman. Sure, it has Kristen Stewart and her three facial expressions in it, but it also has Thor and Charlize Theron taking a milk bath... in all seriousness though, the trailers look great for this one, and we can't just pass up a decent looking fantasy flick. We're there.

We've already seen The Loved Ones and Apartment 143, both of which open in limited release this week. Had we seen neither, we'd be there for both, but as things stand, we're all set with these two. For those of you who haven't seen either of them, we'd definitely recommend The Loved Ones first, although Apartment 143 will appeal to those who like the whole POV ghost story thing.

In even smaller limited releases this weekend, are G.H.O.S.T. and The Final Shift.We have no clue about either of these movies, but at least they are options.

So there you go; two big ones, two small ones, and two even smaller ones this week, all geared towards our taste.

For those of you lucky enough to be in or close to Seattle though, The Seattle International Film Festival will have one additional treat for those lucky enough to be in close enough proximity to check it out, and that's V/H/S. One of the most eagerly anticipated and highly praised horror flicks of the year, V/H/S is the movie you should definitely see this weekend, if you're able.

Smash Cut (2009)

MAY 31, 2012

GENRE: HERO KILLER, SPLATTER

SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

As I've said before, I'm not the world's biggest fan of Herschell Gordon Lewis' films. I like the IDEA of what he does, and the films I've seen have their charms, but they were all "once was enough" affairs at best, and I wouldn't go out of my way to see others beyond daily HMAD requirements. Thus, I'm probably not the target audience for Smash Cut, which is basically a full length homage to his career in splatter movie form, packing in references and even a cameo from the man himself while telling a typically HGL-ian story of a murderous "hero" and the detective trying to nail him for his crimes.

In fact it's apparently close to a remake of HGL's Color Me Blood Red, which I haven't seen. In that film, an artist kills folks for their blood in order to create his masterpieces (thus being a bit of a Bucket Of Blood remake in turn), and here a down on his luck film director (the late David Hess in what appears to be his final film role) seeks realistic body parts for his horror film by using the real thing. So if he needs hands, he kills the screenwriter and uses his, a fresh heart can be found in his producer's bimbo girlfriend, and so on. It's an admittedly fun idea for a movie, and Hess is a perfect choice to play this kind of anti-hero, being that he's the sort of actor you fear on sight thanks to his 70s exploitation work, but also a decent enough actor where he can get you to almost feel sorry for him at times (particularly in the opening scene, where he is openly mocked by audience members attending his newest film as he sits unnoticed in the back of the theater).

But, like HGL's films, it's just too repetitive for my tastes. The detective angle mixes things up a bit, but not nearly enough to overlook that the bulk of the film is just a series of loosely connected sequences in which Hess kills someone who annoyed him (including a film critic!) in order to get some revenge on their personal problem and improve his next film at the same time. But unlike something like Dr. Phibes, the scenes aren't unique or interesting on their own, nor is his motive anywhere near as interesting. And the detective scenes are mostly "I wonder who the killer is" variety, so they fall flat since we already know (luckily, there aren't too many of them, but since they're the only thing breaking up the repetition of the "kill someone and then shoot a scene" cycle of the rest of the movie, it's sort of a shame either way).

However, his fans will likely be in heaven, as it would fit nicely in HGL's oeuvre both on a creative level as well as a technical one. While shot digitally, the garish color scheme apes the look of his (shot on) films quite nicely, and actor Ray Sager (the original Wizard of Gore) is on board for good measure. And according to the commentary, background props, key lines of dialogue, and other bits and pieces are straight out of an HGL film, and it's important to know that none of this stuff distracted me in any way while watching, so you don't NEED a crash course in his films to follow (or even possibly enjoy) this one. That said, it is a bit disheartening to find out that some of the coolest things in this movie (such as a girl who dies blowing a bubble with her gum, which fills up with blood) were just taken from another (The Gore Gore Girls, in that case).

The commentary is one of many extras, and probably the most interesting. Director Lee Demarbre and several cast/crew members (I can't recall them all; the disc menu simply says "director commentary") point out the references, explain why Hess wears a sea captain outfit in one scene, and discuss the usual production stories that commentary fans will expect. Demarbre also heaps praise on adult film actress Sasha Grey, making a rare performance in a non-porn (and keeping her clothes on the entire time), though at times it sounds more like he's in love with her than praising her as an actress; there's a particularly "uh..." bit where he boasts about going to her hotel room and seeing clips from her upcoming movies.

The rest of the stuff is standard fare as well: a whole bunch of deleted scenes that are mostly unnecessary (but thankfully given some "leader" so we know where they would go in the film), a brief but mildly entertaining making of, and some trailers. We also see (part of?) the real killer clown film that Demarbre made on VHS back in the day (it's kind of awesome - I'd love to see one done for real as the clown is a toy, so it could be like Child's Play if done right), and some of Grey's behind the scenes diaries. Needless to say if you dug the film you'd get some value for your DVD purchase, which is all I ask in this day and age with so many low budget films coming along sans any insight into the production at all. Granted, I actually can appreciate not having a lot of extras to wade through on a disc, but most folks don't watch one every day. There are movies I didn't even like much that I got just to enjoy all the supplemental material depicting the work that went into it (i.e. the Star Wars prequels), so keep those extras coming, folks!

What say you?

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The Pact (2012)

(aka Family Ties: The Movie)
Release Date: On VOD now, In Theaters July 6th.
Country: USA
Written and Directed by: Nicholas McCarthy.
Starring: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, Agnes Bruckner and Haley Hudson.

Since it has an awesome poster, we assumed that The Pact would suck, because that generally tends to be the rule... my oh my, how we were wrong.

This is easily the creepiest movie of 2012 so far, by far.

She had pokies going on throughout the entire movie.

When their Mother dies, Annie and her Sister Nichole are left to pick up the pieces. Annie doesn't want anything to do with the funeral because her Mother was an abusive bitch, but out of love for her Sister, she agrees to come home and give her a hand with the arrangements. When she arrives at her Mother's house the next day, Nichole is gone. At that point, Annie should have left too.

That is NOT the front door.

Annie's Cousin Liz stays the night with her after the funeral because Annie doesn't want to be alone in the home of her childhood abuse, and because Liz has Nichole's daughter, whom she probably wants to be rid of. I mean hey, it's not her kid, so she has every right to want to give her back. They assume that Nichole is off on some crack binge somewhere, though when Liz goes missing in the middle of the night, Annie begins to have suspicions... which are quickly confirmed by a ghost beating her ass. Seriously, like a brawl.

Let's fight.

Annie goes to the Police, but they are useless, so she eventually goes to see a creepy blind chick named Stevie that she went to High School with, who was rumored to have some sort of supernatural affinity. Stevie goes and gives Annie's Mom's house the once over, and says "screw this, I'm not staying here!" which leaves Annie alone to unravel the mystery of her Sister's and Cousin's disappearance, the ghost, and a serial killer, all on her own. Oh yeah, there's a serial killer too.

When the creepy, blind seer says it's time to go, then it's time to go!

From the opening sequence, The Pact pulled us in and didn't ever let us go. The premise was great, and mixing the story of a serial killer with some effective paranormal elements worked perfectly. The atmosphere was eerie and tense throughout, and the scares were effective. There was one instance of a musical cue/jump scare early on, but that sort of trickery wasn't repeated or resorted to to drive the movie.

For the record, the entire cast did a great job here, but Caity Lotz carried this baby on her back. She may have played it a bit over dramatic here and there, but for the most part she felt real, and made us feel for her. The part where she uses the Ouija Board and her reaction to her first answer illustrates it perfectly; it was genuine and exactly what most people would have done if that had been them.

Yeah, at the point where the upside-down crucifix slides across the hand made Ouija Board on the floor to answer my question in an abrupt way, I'm out of there.

We've Gotta give writer/director Nicholas McCarthy credit here; he crafted his first full length feature into a great little sleeper hit. There were parts in the early going that felt fairly formulaic, but once it got going, it was a smooth ride for us. There were a few critics out there that found The Pact less effective that we did, and ultimately dismissible, but we just don't get that; the movie is by no means perfect, but it absolutely works.

*BEWARE- This section do be spoiler-ish. We would like to have a few of the more ambiguous plot elements cleared up for us. For instance, what exactly was this pact that gives the movie it's title, and who was it between? We have a pretty good idea what it involved (siblings and silence) but it could have been something else as well. Also, was the brother a ghost or alive. The answer is most likely alive, but there were things that happened that could definitely be proof of him being a spirit of some sort. Also, was he Uncle and Daddy? And what was with the end? Just a dream or was there something more to it? None of these questions spoiled the movie for us at all, but we just hate not knowing for sure. We're selfish like that.

We're not sure either, Caity.

There were a couple of good-n-gory stabbings and a shooting, but aside from that, the rest of the movie was blood free... aside from the corpses and decapitated heads of course... and the glass in the foot... alright, it had a decent amount of blood and gore.

There was no nudity, but we did get a whole lot of footage of Caity Lotz running around in a tight tank top and boy shirts, which pleased us none the less. There was so much cleavage going on through this thing, that we sometimes found ourselves forgetting what just happened plot-wise. We don't mind rewinding though.

She even rides her motorcycle in her undies. Now that's class.

The entire opening sequence has to get the nod here, because it was played perfectly. The sequence in which Caity Lotz goes flying and sliding around the house was great too, as was Casper Van Dien's "big scene." Good to see him back in a solid flick for a change.

It was kinda like she was doing a crazy ballet or an energy charged Flashdance.

The Pact gets a solid B+ because it was a great little flick, and it's been a while since we've seen a smaller horror movie that genuinely gave us the creeps. It's great to see a movie like this getting a theatrical release, even if it is a limited one. You need to go see it if it plays near you, or check it out on VOD now, because it's easily one of the best of the year thus far, and one of the most genuinely creepy movies of the past few years.

It's been a while since we've seen Agnes Bruckner in a movie, and it felt good. As for Caity Lotz, well she gets her own special little post below...

May is Caity Lotz Month, because... damn!

This girl is just too hot to not take a closer look at. Sure, she doesn't have many projects under her belt yet, but she's starred in a pretty cool TV show and one of our favorite movies of the year thus far, so at least she's off to a good start.

Caity with Danny Trejo.

Even though it's since been cancelled, Death Valley was a fun little horror-comedy show that gave us a weekly dose of cops vs. the undead and other nastiness. Caity kicked some ass in her role as Kristen, so we know she's tough.

She will cut you, man!

She finally came into her own when she headlined in The Pact; and she kicked even more ass in the movie than she did on TV! Not literally. Figuratively. She screamed and whimpered a lot more in The Pact, but we didn't mind... because, yum.

Don Draper should have banged her, morals be damned!

Let us not forget her important guest appearances on AMC's Mad Men; it's in no way part of her horror filmography, but it shows that she can walk onto one of the best shows on TV (and of all time), and carry her own weight.

So... she's crazy hot, with her pouty lips and freckles;  she can act; and she isn't afraid to embrace the horror genre. She's our kind of girl. Now for her next movie, she needs to broaden her horizons and get naked. A lot. Prudes just don't last in this business. True story.

Urban Explorer (2012)

(Aka Dummkopfs!)
Release Date: On DVD now.
Country: Germany
Written by: Martin Thau
Directed by: Andy Fetscher
Starring: Nathalie Kelly, Nick Eversman and Klaus Stiglmeier.

This whole Urbex craze that's popular with the kids these days is beyond me; who really wants to go poking around through miles of subterranean tunnels that hold countless numbers of possible dangers and threats?

The Germans, that's who.

Urban Explorer deals with a bunch of young kids of different nationalities that decide to explore the sewers and catacombs underneath the city of Berlin, because that sounds pretty damn fun and exciting, doesn't it? Forget the fact that you could easily find yourself injured or lost while exploring a desolate subterranean tunnel system, because nothing can hurt you.

Pride cometh before the fall, fucko!

Our brave explorers hire a guide to, well, guide them through the tunnels, and lo and behold it isn't long before he gets injured, and the group has to split up to get him help. Luckily, a grizzled old kraut shows up out of nowhere and offers to help them if they will only follow him to his "Safe place." Sounds legit to us.

From here on out, creepy Fritz dispatches the moron explorers in gruesome ways, and teaches them the ultimate lesson; when you do stupid shit, there is always a price to pay. In this case, the price is death. Creepy, underground, grizzled German death!

His smile is not one of happiness or joy.

Urban Explorer is a solid effort in every way save for the script. The movie looks good, and the pace moves along nicely and doesn't drag much at all. It also offers up a good amount of intensity and creepy atmosphere, because dark tunnels kind of have that whole creepy thing going for them, don't they?

Since the gore is one of the strong points of the movie, let's just go ahead and cover that now. This film definitely gets nasty and bloody, which is a good thing, because we needed something to make the lame plot tolerable.

Why she broke into song while getting her ear cut off, we will never know.

I know it's hard to come up with a premise that feels genuine and fresh, especially in horror, and Urban Explorer is a decent movie, but it would have been better to me personally had the writers given us a plausible reason for these morons to descend into the dark and dangerous underworld of a massive city like Berlin. How about someone's dumb ass sister or girlfriend went into the catacombs to party, and never returned. A brother of boyfriend might be compelled to go look for her, even if it was a crazy bad idea, because love is like that. That same guy could have a friend or two who hate the idea of going down "there", but can't let him go alone, because all they need is another person they care about to go missing. Safety in numbers, right?

Urban Explorer made me come to terms with something I realized long ago, but had tried as hard as I could to suppress; most people in horror movies are morons. I used to try to give the average horror movie character some leeway, because maybe real people would act the way that they do in movies. Groups of young, cocky, "nothing can touch me because I'm invincible!" teens and twenty-somethings always seem to do the absolute most nonsensical things in horror movies. It's just a big red flag.

So, how was your trip?

This is really the problem I have with so many horror movies these days; they're insulting to my intelligence.  Film after film showcases dumb people who do incredibly dumb things, which get them into situations that make me hope that they die, just for being so stupid. I understand that most people don't go through life adjusting their actions or behaviors just in case a horror movie breaks out at any minute, but it's an old  trope/plot device that instantly makes a film feel tired, even if it's a good one.

It's almost as if filmmakers and studios just say "Meh, it's a horror flick, this script will do" when they head off to make a new movie, and that's what pisses me off. The horror genre is the most dynamic of all movie genres. in that horror films often tend to encompass elements of  all other genre's at once. Amidst the carnage and terror, there can be comedy and levity, romance can and often does play a part in the story, and there's always plenty of drama and mystery.The Horror Genre is limitless. I guess that's why I don't understand why so many Horror filmmakers limit themselves with so much cliche and plot device.

Black Christmas?

Urban Explorer is a well made film that delivers on the tension and the gore, but falls short in the scripting department. Had the plot not been so paper thin and familiar, and had the characters not been so cookie cutter and simplistic, this could have been a far better film. As it stands though, Urban Explorer delivers the goods as long as the goods your looking for aren't originality or depth. C+

She's in this.