The Wicker Tree (2012)

*In theaters now, Limited

What's it About?- Beth is a successful American country singer who used to be slutty, but has since found her way to singing the praises of JC. All sluts eventually turn to religion don't they? Because praying more and throwing yourself on the mercy of the holy cross obviously erases every skanky and obscene thing you do. That's a fact.

"I gave you the HIV but G.O.D. forgives me, LOL!"

Anywho, Beth and her cow poke fiance Steve are members of Cowboys for Christ (ugh), and they've been sent by their evangelical church to save the heathens of Scotland from themselves, because that's what religion is all about, after all. That is actually a fact. Religion is also about basting naked ass with oil, as evevidenced by the picture below.

Now this is one aspect of Religion that we can truly get behind... get it? Behind?

Luckily for us, the Scots have their own shit going on and hate being preached to and talked down on, so they decide to kill the rube's, which can only serve to make America a better place in the long run. As you can imagine, sacrificial hi jinks ensue.

This is why Christians cant have nice things!

The Good- The Wicker Tree is sort of a sequel to the 1973 Hammer classic, The Wicker Man (not the abysmal 2006 Nic Cage remake.) According to the director, whom was also the director of the 1973 original, it's more of a companion piece. As "companion pieces" go however, The Wicker Tree is rather embarrassing and really does nothing beneficial for it's predecessor.

Whereas the 1973 Wicker movie was so odd that it ended up being creepy, the updated Wicker universe is more goofy and over dramatic than anything else. Really, I don't know why we were expecting it to be good, but we found ourselves a bit let down as the credits began to roll. Maybe because instead of giving us another unique and good movie, all we were left with was the thought "Why didn't they just leave well enough alone?"

The Bad- There's nothing that Scotland and it's people could possibly love more than 2 bible thumping rubes from the U.S. of A. crossing the pond to save them from their unjust lives and skewed belief systems, is there? Hell no there ain't, cause everyone who ain't believe in Jesus Christ needs savin', ain't they? This movie definitely has a bible bashing bent; when our innocent country singin' heroine says "Everything in the bible is inspired by God, so it must be true, right?" It's apparent that were to believe that all Americans are sheepish simpletons... we cant argue that fact really, because there's some truth to it. Still, true or not, don't preach.

The Downright Horrendous- It's misleading to see Christopher Lee in the trailer for this movie, mainly because he was in this movie for about 15.4 seconds. If you're going to make it look as if he's in your film, at least give him a small cameo... then again, he most likely didn't want one. For your deception, you sub-par and sneaky film, you get the Wicker Man 2006 Remake Hall of Shame Award!!!

Not the BEES!

The Gory- There's some blood and violence to be had here, most notably the scene with "Tex" in the ruins; we wont spoil what that scene involves, but it involves a lot of nudity and someone being eaten to death. (That actually kinda spoiled it.)

The Naked- Sweet, sweet Honeysuckle Weeks; despite having what may be one of the silliest first names ever, she brought her A-game in this one, and by A-game we mean shameless nudity. She's not the only one, as many others in the movie shed their clothes for the greater good, but she was by far the most impressive.

Edited for our younger viewers, who screw up all of our good, naked pics.

What did we learn?- We learned that nearly 40 years is far too long to make a sequel to a cult movie, unless of course you don't mind it being out of touch with everything about the original. Also, Honeysuckle is apparently the Scottish word for "Village Whore."

The Master Says- D+ Not totally Irredeemable, The Wicker Tree is none the less a sequel that might have been better off never being made. The feel of the original is almost completely absent from this lukewarm follow up, and honestly, we aren't sure what the point of this film even was.You might enjoy it as an homage or companion piece to the cult classic original, but just don't expect much.

Final Thoughts- At least Honeysuckle Weeks wasn't afraid to bare it all in an effort to do her part, and she did it more than once. Cheers, Honeysuckle.