Gone (2012)

(aka 90 minutes of tits)
Release Date: On DVD May 29th
Country: U.S.
Written by: Allison Burnett
Directed by: Heitor Dahlia
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Daniel Sunjata, Jennifer Carpenter and Wes Bentley.

Better than we thought it would be, Gone is still a mess of a movie.

I'm of two minds when it comes to Gone. One one side of the issue, it's a cliche, plot hole filled, predictable, boring mess that is relatively tension free. On the other hand, it didn't piss me off. There was just something about this movie, for all of its flaws, that made me kind of enjoy it. Kind of.

Maybe next time you shower with no curtain, yeah?

The story goes like this: Amanda Seyfried plays a well endowed (important plot point) chick who was abducted by a serial killer, only to lure him into a hole, stab him with a bone, and escape his evil clutches. The police can't find this mysterious hole in the forest that she alleges she was held captive in, so they deem her crazy and close the case.

We know that she's no stranger to being "stabbed by a bone" herself. Trust us, we know.

A year later, her sister goes missing and she's sure that her serial killer friend came back to finish her off, instead using her sister as a surrogate for his creepy needs. The police still thinks she's bat shit crazy, and so she sets off on her own to find her sister. Oh yeah, she's also a karate master now, so you know some people are going to get their asses whipped.

So really, the point of the movie is finding out if there's a serial killer at large or if everything is truly in her head.

Gone got us to buy into the premise and actually become interested in the story, but it failed to do too much with our attention. Too many red herrings and annoyances plagued what could have been a decent little thriller; it's bad enough that we had to suffer the tired old "no one believes her" gag, but we also had red herring after red herring thrown at us, and too many lame plot devices to count. At one point she chases after someone that she thinks is the killer, and were treated to a totally implausible car chase that made us think "she should be in jail."

The bottom line is that there's a decent serial killer thriller flick to be found here, the problem is that you have to wade through a bunch of sub par scripting and waive any and all believability aside if you're going to sit there and try to find it.

Keep digging, maybe you'll find a better script.

We're giving this one a flat grade of C, which if we're being honest, is pretty generous of us. That's not to say we're endorsing the movie and urging you to run out and see it, but rather us saying that it was enjoyable enough to call it "very average." The younger crowd will probably dig it more than the older crowd, but young or old, it's hardly the worst thriller to have been released this year.

The eyes, the lips, the rack -let's not even mention that she has a penchant for lesbian scenes and is about to star as the infamous Deep Throat actress in the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic- there are just so many good reasons for us to call Amanda Seyfried one of the all time hottest hotties, that we can't resist. Now, she just needs to start making better movies.