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Friday, 12 October 2012

Where to begin with this one...

We saw the trailer for Smiley not too long ago, and were instantly excited to see it. Having now seen it, I can only wonder if I was half asleep while watching that trailer, because the finished film is a painful mess of Internet in-jokes and poor everything else.

If you've been dying to see Scream ripped off by a few YouTube video "stars," and hoped that they'd rip off Candyman in an insulting way at the same time, then Smiley is for you.

If you're at all familiar with the website 4chan, particularly its infamous /b/ message board, then this movie is going to piss you right off. If you're not, then most of the in-jokes will be lost on you. You see, 4chan is one of the places on the interwebs where most of the memes come from. What's a meme? Things like the Rick-Roll, Epic Fail, Pwned, and most famously, the LOLcats. Basically they're funny/topical pictures with words, that get posted on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc...

Just Google it. I've explained enough.

We've used "Do Not Want!" as our lowest movie grade for years, and it is a meme. That's going to be very appropriate by the time we get to the bottom of this review...
If you're webcam chatting with someone and you type "I did it for the Lulz!" three times, a masked killer named Smiley magically shows up behind you and kills you, apparently for the Lulz. Since it's mostly kids and Internet geeks who even know what the hell Lulz means, let alone how to use it effectively in a sentence, most people on the planet are pretty much safe from Smiley's revenge. That makes his Urban Legend kinda sucky, no?

Like, what?

Ashley is a painfully naive (stupid) Freshman at some shit college. Her only friend is her new roommate, Proxy, whose name pretty much spoils the entire movie for anyone who knows what a proxy is... Anywho, Proxy is a whore who loves to party. She drags Ashley to an "Anonymous" party, which is full of  anon /b/tards and Pedobear, and a gang of d-bags with shitty haircuts.

Not even Justin Bieber's mentally challenged cousin Clint, could save this movie...

The lead d-bag tells Ashley that his interests reside at "the intersection of Strange and Retarded," which is exactly where this movie dwells, so it's like a Meta reference of sorts. You know, the more I think about it, I have to believe that the filmmakers here trolled us all, making a shitty Meta movie just to make us cringe. If so, then well played, guys.

In this picture, Nolan from TV's Revenge is actually standing to the right of Strange and Retarded.

Long story short, someone types the dreaded "I did it for the Lulz!" and Smiley is unleashed. The whole movie is spent with Ashley wondering if she's crazy or if Smiley is real. Subsequently, the whole movie was spent by us that Smiley would show up and slit our throats, so that the pain would just end.

Pretty much.
It ended. That was good. The ending wasn't good, but that it was over was really nice.

It's hard to find much good in this movie. Some YouTube kids with limited talent and vision got someone to pony up $13 million and made a movie, so good for them. That's a good. The Smiley mask was pretty cool, that's another good.

The painfully thieved plot elements, the bad acting, the atrocious dialogue, the long periods of nothing but talking, the annoyingly un-hip Meta jokes and references, and just about everything else was a bad. Very bad.

For example, we're treated to such lively and witty dialogue as "You're Pedobear, bitch tits?" And who is the Chud yelling "Pedobeayayyayer?" Good lord, it all hurt so much.

Wow. Just... wow.
So wait a minute... the Urban Legend of Smiley goes "You type "I did it for the Lulz" three times in an anonymous webcam chat, Smiley appears behind whoever you're video chatting with, and kills them?" Candyman should be pissed off that someone is ripping off his steelo in such a shitty, lame-ass way.

YouTube video makers should stick to making YouTube videos, and not mistake their "talent" of acting crazy in front of a webcam for being a filmmaker. You don't see Tay Zonday out there making a fucking movie, do you? No, you don't, and you shouldn't either. Different dynamics. Different worlds.

...then who was phone?
Aside from the average 15 year old who spends most of his time in Internet chat rooms, who in the hell is supposed to get the endless barrage of references thrown around in this movie?

Have you ever requested rule 34 on something? Do the words Leet, Moot or Sage make you smile? Have your jimmies ever been rustled?  Do you know Scumbag Steve? Which seat should you take? Are you disappoint? Then who was phone? Chuck Testa? You mad? The come at me bro!

Did any of that shit make any sense to you at all? No? Then you are the 99% (of the world that this movie IS NOT for.)

You're better than this shit, Keith David!
All of the great, well made horror flicks out there that never see the light of day, and this is the crap that gets a limited theatrical release? We've been trolled, fellow Anons. This movie is bad on just about every level, so avoid it unless you like pain. If you like pain, then don't avoid it, and I guess... enjoy your pain?

Not even its Hotties could save this movie from total ruin... although I'm willing to give them a second chance if they show up in something else. Let it never be said that I am not a fair person.


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