The Woman in Black (2012)

If you're anything like I was, then your childhood was filled with movies from Hammer Films. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were probably the biggest stars on my TV, and many a weekend was spent with me afraid to go to sleep because they -and whatever Hammer Film happened to have been on that day- scared the living hell out of me. No one did Gothic Horror better

When some shitty Elliot Gould movie nearly bankrupted them in 1979, Hammer pretty much stopped making movies. Seriously, who casts Elliot Gould in anything? Flash forward to about 2007, and Hammer Films seemed to be back to making movies. Since then they've given us a remake of Let Me In, The Resident, Wake Wood, and another remake, this one of The Woman in Black.

Let's not forget that Hammer used some of the hottest girls in the world in their movies too.

What's it About?- Harry Potter Arthur Kipps is a young Wizard Solicitor who travels to Hogwarts a remote village in the English countryside to learn magic settle an estate. There he finds an evil presence that the locals have dubbed Voldemort The Woman in Black, who is terrorizing everyone and killing their kids.

"Enough with the Harry Potter jokes already!"

With the help of his new friends Hermoine and Ron Sam, Harry Arthur sets out to solve the mystery of Voldemort and his Horcruxes The Woman in Black, and stop him her reign of terror once and for all. There's also a creepy, gay Headmaster named Dumbledorf who gazes a little too longingly at Harry, and probably has a pedophile love-thing going on for him. That's really JK Rowlings fault though, because her announcing that Dumbledorn was gay totally cast an uneasy tension on the entire movie series, much like the gay subtext between Sam and Frodo did in the Lord of the Rings flicks.

True story.

The Good- The Woman in Black is definitely the kind of haunted house flick we grew up with as kids. Sure, it uses CGI for some of its effects, and the atmosphere of the whole thing isn't quite the atmosphere of old Hammer flicks, but it still stands on its own as effective. The movie takes its time and relies on subtlety to keep your attention, and it isn't long before it wraps you up in its folds and moves in for the kill. I don't mean to make it sound as if it's perfect, its not, but it just works really well.

Daniel Radcliffe can definitely act beyond the realm of all things Harry Potter; he's proven that onstage with with 2007's Eqqus and on film in December Boys, and does so again again here. It's hard not to see a bit of Harry Potter when you look at the kid, the role was so iconic and endearing to the entire world, but he moves your mind right past all of that with his acting ability. Now he just needs to play a ruthless killer of some sort, and all will be well.

It's always a good thing to see Ciaran Hinds on screen too; that guy plays it intense even when he's not playing a ruthless killer, or some other sort of bad ass.

Daniel Radcliffe always does what's axed of him...

The Bad- Why were there no saucy village lasses for Harry Potter to shag? Aren't there always saucy lasses in small, English villages?

The Downright Horrendous- *SPOILER ALERT!* Why would you let his hand go, and especially in a train station? You suck as a father.

The Gory- Not so much. There's some blood here and there, but most of the disturbing imagery isn't very gory. Then again, some people might consider children burning to death before their eyes a bit "gory"...

Also, children committing group suicide is pretty disturbing.

The Naked- None.

The Best Scene- Probably the entire ending sequence. It comes out of nowhere and seems cliche', but then it leaves you wondering about what just happened and why. We don't wanna spoil things, so that's as detailed as we're getting. We liked it.

What Did We Learn?- There's no making women happy, even in the afterlife. Also, Harry Potter's all growed up and has 'im a kid, which means he got laid. How quickly our innocence is taken from us!

Go in there? Not on your life.

The Master Says- A That's the 2nd A grade we've given out recently, and it couldn't be more deserved. Hammer has given us a good old fashioned, atmospheric ghost story with WIB that we don't get too much of these days. Daniel Radcliffe held it down acting wise too, proving he's more than just some child wizard when it comes to acting. If you want to see a fun and creepy haunted house flick, check it out.

Final Thoughts- Hermoine misses you, Harry Potter, and she's all grown up now too. Maybe look her up and cast some peen-guardium vaginosa on her or something...

She's 21 now, so I don't wanna hear it!