The 31 Days of Horror, Day Four- Cemetery Man (1994)

(aka Dellamorte Dellamore )
Release Date: 
Country: Italy (w France/Germany.)
Written by: Gianni Romoli and Tiziano Sclavi.

Directed by: Michele Soavi.
Starring: Rupert Everett, Anna Falchi, Francois Hadji-Lazaro and Fabiana Formica.

We've been wanting to review this for a while now, and I'm not really sure why I haven't. There's too many new movies coming out all the time, and this beloved old classic just got pushed to the side and forgotten. Yeah, that's probably it.

Well, shame on me.

Cemetery Man is a rare movie that blends aspects of humor, gore, chills, potent visuals, and even sex into a perfect little package, that just makes you feel good for having watched it.

* Keep in mind that Italian movies, especially older Italian horror movies, seem like they make little coherent sense. Mainly because they don't. I'm just sayin'.

Francesco Dellamorte and his lovable half-wit assistant Gnaghi are caretakers of a creepy cemetery in small town Italy. It turns out that their job really sucks extra hard, because in this particular cemetery the dead have a habit of rising from their graves, fully intent on killing anyone alive that they can get their hands on.

Of course it falls to Dellamorte and Gnaghi to kill those who rise from their graves (Returners), and protect the living. Dellamorte is also impotent, and yet has a bunch of smoking hot women who always want to sex him up. When he meets the insanely hot chick played by Anna Falchi, he goes to see a surgeon to have his junk cut off, because she's afraid of penis's.

Scared of penis, but she can smoke? I call phallic shenanigans!

Gnaghi meanwhile has found a love of his own. Sure, he may be in his 40's or 50's, but the teenage daughter of the mayor has stolen his heart... and then promptly is decapitated in a typical Italian Scooter accident. True love can not be denied though, and Gnaghi digs up his little Lolita's head, and the two of them begin a love affair for the ages. From here on out, craziness ensues.

Yes, this movie is that frigging odd.

There's a joke about "head" in here somewhere, but I digress...

As odd and nonsensical as it is at times, Cemetery Man is a fun, lovable flick that delivers equal amounts of gore and humor, and even some philosophical rumination. It looks and feels cheap at times, and it mostly makes no sense at all, but it's so charming and awesome that none of that ends up mattering much.

The 90's was a pretty rough decade for horror movies. Of the handful of good genre entries that we can recall that weren't sequels or ill-conceived b-grade crap, Dellamorte Dellamore is near the top of the heap.

This is a metaphor.For what? Who knows, but it is one.

It's essentially a zombie flick, so there's plenty of "to the head violence" and flesh eating to be had here. There's also a particularly nasty bus crash scene which had even a horse doing a double take and thanking god it want him.

Butternut froze in place, the horror unfolding in front of his eyes. Somehow he knew that hay would never taste the same again. He just knew.

 

There's plenty of sex and nudity in this one, including a full frontal shot of Rupert Everett and his man-log. Also, Anna Falchi is buck in this one, and it's a pleasant thing to behold. No Gnaghi sex though, so, that's good.

Censored for your un-enjoyment.

Martin Scorsese called this movie one of the best Italian flicks of the 90's, so don't look at me askew for giving it an A+ grade. It's not perfect by any stretch, but it's such a unique and refreshing experience that it just inspires that kind of love from us. If you haven't seen this classic gem yet, go out of your way to do so. It's a must see for true lovers of horror and film. A+

Anna Falchi is one of the most classically beautiful women of all time. Well played, Italy. Well played.