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Monday, 3 December 2012

So lets just take a minute or two to cover this one, even though we'd really rather forget it even exists.

Do you like Gossip Girl? Do you love anyone who was in Twilight, and have you vowed to see whatever they show up in, just because Twilight was so fucking shitty awesome? Do you wish that every horror movie would be PG-13 and be as tense as the average Lifetime movie? Do you wish horror movies would have almost no scares because scares scare you too much?

Well then, this is the movie for you?

To put it simply, The Apparition is a really bad movie that Warner Bros. made to cash in on Ashley Greene's Twilight fame. Add Draco Malfoy to the mix, and that makes it even better, right? In the end, even the WB knew this was an embarrassment, but released in in Theaters anyhow. Now it's on BD/DVD.

You should run.

The Apparition starts off with a bunch of nerds in 1963 conducting the poorest named experiment of all time; The Charles Experiment. Seriously, what is that dull and clunky name supposed to inspire? The experiment involves said nerds standing around and staring at a picture of some dead guy named Charles, which they think will summon his spirit amongst them. Riveting stuff.

Flash forward to what I'm guessing is now, and four College Students are trying to recapture the creepy un-magic of The Charles Experiment. Using modern technology, they are able to magnify their staring power 400 fold, which again is supposed to summon the spirit of this Charles guy. Something eventually shows up, and sucks the best part of the movie (and her magnificent rack) into the wall. Still riveting stuff.

Draco Malfoy is staring at the haunted rack of Julianna Guill.

Sometime later (days, years, I don't know), one of the chicks from Twilight and her boyfriend begin finding black mold around their huge and really expensive looking house (seriously, how do average kids in these movies afford such expensive houses?) This mold is apparently either A; the angry spirit of Charles, or B; was put there by the angry spirit of Charles. Either way, it's riveting stuff.

Ah, another Twilight star who does the bewildered look perfectly.

Strange noises, locked doors, messy closets, a dead dog, flat acting and and an absolute bare minimum of creepiness ensues. Honestly, the average episode of Scooby Doo has more tension and terror in it than this movie does. The only mystery here is can you make it until the end credits before kicking your TV set in disbelief? No. No you can't.

Yeah, the sheet was haunted too.
It's got an awesome poster.
Ashley Greene is pretty hot.
Juilianna Guill and her world-class boobs are in this, although for far too short a time.

Tom Felton was pretty good in this too, because he's actually a good actor.
Pretty much everything else.

The Apparition is nowhere near the worst movie ever made, but it's safe to say that it's one of the worst movies of this year. It's a PG-13 snooze-fest that offers no characterization, stale plot development, and worst of all, no scares. It's slow, plodding, poorly conceived and executed, and it sucks. It really doesn't do much of anything. It's just kind of there. Screw this movie, I hate it!

More intense bewilderment.

Also, it's retarded.

Convinced that your house is haunted, even though not much has actually happened to warrant that hypothesis? Pitch a tent in the back yard, because that's far enough away from the haunting to keep you safe. And am I crazy or did the angry apparition pick up a security camera and film Ashley Greene sleeping, all found-footage style? Really?

And what was with the "Once you believe, you die!" tagline that had barely anything to do with the movie? Is that why the dog walked into the moldy laundry room, laid down on the floor and died? Because it believed? REALLY?!?

And what was with that horrible and anticlimactic ending? How much did Costco pay to have Ashley Greene wander in there, go into a display tent, zip it up and let the apparition hand massage her scalp, signifying the end of the movie? A hearty middle finger to whoever wrote this garbage.

It's all just so silly and dull, I cannot believe it was allowed to be in theaters.
Hey Hollywood, do you want to know why your box office numbers are down this year? No, it's not because of piracy, it's because you dump awful movies like this into theaters. People are tired of being suckered into paying $10+ a ticket and $20 for a coke and some popcorn; having to endure commercials before the previews even start; dealing with mouth-breathers that talk and disrupt the movie with their cellphones, chewing, hitting seats, and general ill manners... add to the lackluster experience of it all the fact that a movie like this is so bad that it isn't even worth seeing for free, and you have your answer.

We have HDTV's at home, Hollywood. Nice ones. There's no reason for us to waste the time, money and effort it takes to go to the Theater for this kind of movie.

We have spoken, and our collective voices are telling you that we'd rather hang on to our money.

Bewildered again!
The whopping 4% score on Rotten Tomatoes should tell you everything you need to know; The Apparition is 96% suck. Don't spend your money on this one, go and rent something else. If you're itching to buy something new and good on BD/DVD, go grab a copy of The Dark Knight Rises and call it a day. This movie is just an embarrassment, and Warner Bros.knows it, so don't you think otherwise.

At all.
The only two redeeming qualities offered by this movie are named Ashley Greene and Julianna Guill; and I'm talking their hotness here, not their brave and inspiring performances.


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